Bronx, NY

A coordinated cargo theft ring is re-evaluating its operational standards this week after successfully hijacking a refrigerated trailer of what they believed to be premium seafood, only to later discover the cargo was destined for a Captain D’s distrubution center.

Inspired by a recent Costco lobster truck heist that yielded a $400,000 windfall in black-market gold, the thieves were meticulous in their planning from the outset. “We connived some backwoods yokel trucking company (Deebo’s Cold Haul) out of their email domain with your standard-issue phishing scheme, then procured the load from an unsuspecting broker imprudent enough to post a time-sensitive, high-value load to DAT by outbounding Deebo’s spoofed FMCSA phone number—though admittedly my Appalachian hayseed drawl was still a work in progress at the time,” reminisced thief Ash Sakotic from his Rejekan office overlooking the Adriatic.

“But offhand, we didn’t have anyone to fence the product, so we needed a temporary front to stage the cargo while we found a spiv willing to take it,” Sakotic continued. “Problem was, we had to incinerate our previous safehouse when the feds tailed a driver there who’d been moonlighting as an oxytocin mule for a rival outfit. We’ve since parted ways.”

Navigating these headwinds, the crew pivoted to what Sakotic described as a “short-term facility solution,” ultimately abducting a pair of warehouse owners from a Canal Street upholstery business to access their facility. “Credit to Mr. and Mrs. Fong for fighting like hell, but you can’t exactly karate chop 50,000 volts from a TASER,” Sakotic added.

Despite the syndicate’s fastidious attention to detail and flawless execution, overlooked was the ultimate consignee on the paperwork: Captain D’s. “A lot of time and planning went into this heist, so when the driver showed me the BOL, my heart sank,” Sakotic said. “All that work for a trailer full of farm raised seafood—if you can even call it that—that looked and smelled like it spent the entire weekend on a fan-cooled Shoney’s raw bar.”

The crew reportedly entertained a line of illicit suitors throughout the night, all of whom declined the product after brief inspection, several struggling to suppress their intermingled retching and gales of laughter. One prospective buyer mockingly inquired of Sakotic if the pallets of mealy swai were consigned to Captain D’sgusting.

At press time, the crew continued bickering over how to dispose of the cargo, with few viable options materializing. “There was talk of dumping it in the Hudson,” said one individual familiar with the discussion. “But someone pointed out that even the creatures living in there have standards.”