After Heavy Trading, the TONU Closes at $150 per share

Manhattan, NY – For the 3,756th consecutive day, the TONU closed at an even-Steven $150 bucks. U.S. crude jumped 9% this week to over $100 per barrel amid escalating tensions in the Middle East. Anyone expecting TONU futures to follow suit was instead advised to kick rocks. “I thought we’d eventually see a correction—maybe TONUs […]

NC DOT Issues “Swipe Right for CDL” Policy

Raleigh, NC – Doubling down on its willingness to give any warm body a commercial driver’s license, the North Carolina DOT unveiled its new “Swipe Right for CDL” approval system on Monday. The streamlined, ethically unhinged process that officials are saying will finally bring the state into the modern dating-app-meets-recklessly-rapid-onboarding era. Under the new policy, […]