Supreme Court Finds Brokers Liable for Famine, War, and Plague
Washington DC In a landmark 9–0 decision certain to redefine broker liability, the Supreme Court ruled Thursday that freight brokers may now be held responsible for famine, war, plague, and most other perils afflicting mankind. “For decades, brokers have misunderstood the phrase ‘cradle to grave’ as applying only to freight,” wrote Chief Justice Roberts in […]
Idiot Trucker Fails to Get a Legible Signature on POD While Pondering the Riemann Hypothesis
Jacksonville, FL Shortly after delivering an emergency replacement turbine shaft ahead of schedule, long-distance hotshot driver Emil Kovács reportedly departed a Boeing defense maintenance facility without obtaining a legibly signed proof of delivery. “You can make out the initials. Looks like Leo W, or something similar,” noted Kovács. The 21-hour direct transit originated outside Albany, […]
Driver’s Death Leads to Tragic Service Failure
Stokesdale, NC Nearly reduced to tears as he addressed his bereaved staff Tuesday morning, regional TeeQual Logistics office manager Jerry McQueeny informed employees of a “catastrophic service interruption” resulting from a driver’s untimely death. “As some of you may have heard by now, we experienced an unexpected loss of revenue this morning,” stated McQueeny just […]
Bleak Haiku Forebodes Child’s Future in Logistics
Floyd, VA The West Valley Elementary annual Poetry Slam took a disheartening turn Friday afternoon when local 4th grade student – and future logistician – Gus Hufnagel recited his grimly foreboding haiku to a crowd of dejected onlookers. Tasked with reading his “What I’ll Be” poem, Keziah took to the podium as billowing storm clouds […]
Theives Disgusted to Learn Stolen Seafood Belongs to Captain D’s
Bronx, NY A coordinated cargo theft ring is re-evaluating its operational standards this week after successfully hijacking a refrigerated trailer of what they believed to be premium seafood, only to later discover the cargo was destined for a Captain D’s distrubution center. Inspired by a recent Costco lobster truck heist that yielded a $400,000 windfall […]
After Heavy Trading, the TONU Closes at $150 per share
Manhattan, NY – For the 3,756th consecutive day, the TONU closed at an even-Steven $150 bucks. U.S. crude jumped 9% this week to over $100 per barrel amid escalating tensions in the Middle East. Anyone expecting TONU futures to follow suit was instead advised to kick rocks. “I thought we’d eventually see a correction—maybe TONUs […]
NC DOT Issues “Swipe Right for CDL” Policy
Raleigh, NC – Doubling down on its willingness to give any warm body a commercial driver’s license, the North Carolina DOT unveiled its new “Swipe Right for CDL” approval system on Monday. The streamlined, ethically unhinged process that officials are saying will finally bring the state into the modern dating-app-meets-recklessly-rapid-onboarding era. Under the new policy, […]
Paranoid Deskmates of Five Years Have Yet to Utter a Single Customer’s Name to Each Other
Dublin, OH – Mutually convinced that even the faintest utterance of a potential client’s name would lead to their inevitable poaching, fellow brokers Duane Hollins and Harry Sims of Snappy Fast Freight – desk mates of five years – spoke only in hushed, enigmatic tones during their obligatory Friday morning sales meeting. When pressed about […]
Truckers Allowed Access to Bathroom Pits and Dungeons
Austin, TX In accordance with a recently proposed bill by the Texas state legislature, truck drivers in the state will now have mandatory access to newly created on-premise bathroom pits and dungeons during any commercial pickup or delivery. The bill, which attracted bipartisan support, mimics a law recently passed by Washington state allowing drivers access […]
Renowned Double Brokerage Declares Moral Bankruptcy
Glendale, CA As the freight recession churns on and continues to thin the ranks of an overcrowded carrier pool, an unlikely victim has been added to the body count this week as notoriously renowned double-brokerage outfit Tasty Transport (TT) has shuttered its virtual doors. “We’ve dragged our MC number through hell. After 40-odd FreightGuard reports […]