Floyd, VA
The West Valley Elementary annual Poetry Slam took a disheartening turn Friday afternoon when local 4th grade student – and future logistician – Gus Hufnagel recited his grimly foreboding haiku to a crowd of dejected onlookers. Tasked with reading his “What I’ll Be” poem, Keziah took to the podium as billowing storm clouds simultaneously blotted out the sun. When I come of age / I won’t swing for the fences / I’ll just push the freight. Keziah’s oration was described by witnesses as cold and indifferent, a disposition he would later use on innumerable check calls with trucking company dispatchers. “Little Gus has always been so full of life and energy,” remarked teacher Leslie Stanhope. “But ever since accompanying his father to the career fair and speaking with that TQL representative, he’s never been the same. Just kind of resigned to a life devoid of meaning or fair compensation.” Stanhope added that faculty attempted several interventions, including “aggressive exposure to Monster Energy, loud rap music, and curated meme content,” but reported “a permanent disconnect between the man he dreamed of being, and the one he’s now going to be.”
