Driver’s Death Leads to Tragic Service Failure
Stokesdale, NC Nearly reduced to tears as he addressed his bereaved staff Tuesday morning, regional TeeQual Logistics office manager Jerry McQueeny informed employees of a “catastrophic service interruption” resulting from a driver’s untimely death. “As some of you may have heard by now, we experienced an unexpected loss of revenue this morning,” stated McQueeny just […]
Bleak Haiku Forebodes Child’s Future in Logistics
Floyd, VA The West Valley Elementary annual Poetry Slam took a disheartening turn Friday afternoon when local 4th grade student – and future logistician – Gus Hufnagel recited his grimly foreboding haiku to a crowd of dejected onlookers. Tasked with reading his “What I’ll Be” poem, Keziah took to the podium as billowing storm clouds […]
Theives Disgusted to Learn Stolen Seafood Belongs to Captain D’s
Bronx, NY A coordinated cargo theft ring is re-evaluating its operational standards this week after successfully hijacking a refrigerated trailer of what they believed to be premium seafood, only to later discover the cargo was destined for a Captain D’s distrubution center. Inspired by a recent Costco lobster truck heist that yielded a $400,000 windfall […]
Watch: Child Reviews a Depressing Logistics Picture Book
Video: Freight Broken – Why is Daddy Crying?
Hey, I Really Need you to Click on this Shadyass Link
From: ceo.office@quickbooks-secure8g8y67.com Sent: Thursday 4/2 8:15am Happy Friday Eve—CEO here, the big cheese, the man upstairs. Listen now, I gotta small favor to ask of ya. It’s confidential, and it’s urgent. Respond by email only. I’m on my boat deep-sea phishing, so no hablo teléfono. It seems HR needs your SSN to file your monthly […]
After Heavy Trading, the TONU Closes at $150 per share
Manhattan, NY – For the 3,756th consecutive day, the TONU closed at an even-Steven $150 bucks. U.S. crude jumped 9% this week to over $100 per barrel amid escalating tensions in the Middle East. Anyone expecting TONU futures to follow suit was instead advised to kick rocks. “I thought we’d eventually see a correction—maybe TONUs […]
NC DOT Issues “Swipe Right for CDL” Policy
Raleigh, NC – Doubling down on its willingness to give any warm body a commercial driver’s license, the North Carolina DOT unveiled its new “Swipe Right for CDL” approval system on Monday. The streamlined, ethically unhinged process that officials are saying will finally bring the state into the modern dating-app-meets-recklessly-rapid-onboarding era. Under the new policy, […]
Load, Wife Both Deliver Late
9:00 a.m. — Tuesday Ashley:Today is the day Ted and I have been dreaming about our whole lives. After years of trying, then finally conceiving, we get to bring our first child into the world. Today, we meet our baby girl! I want labor and delivery to be as predictable and painless as possible, so […]
I’m Empty, but Ready
My friend, thank you for the load. I look forward to working with you over the next 32 hours straight. Name’s Svyatoslav Rozhdestvenskij, but do not call me Mr. Rozhdestvenskij—that was my father’s name. Call me Svy. Truck number 003, and here is my cell phone number. Your heart may skip a beat the moment […]
Paranoid Deskmates of Five Years Have Yet to Utter a Single Customer’s Name to Each Other
Dublin, OH – Mutually convinced that even the faintest utterance of a potential client’s name would lead to their inevitable poaching, fellow brokers Duane Hollins and Harry Sims of Snappy Fast Freight – desk mates of five years – spoke only in hushed, enigmatic tones during their obligatory Friday morning sales meeting. When pressed about […]