Raleigh, NC – Doubling down on its willingness to give any warm body a commercial driver’s license, the North Carolina DOT unveiled its new “Swipe Right for CDL” approval system on Monday. The streamlined, ethically unhinged process that officials are saying will finally bring the state into the modern dating-app-meets-recklessly-rapid-onboarding era. Under the new policy, applicants are asked a short series of questions— “Describe the layover of your dreams” and “What’s the craziest place you plan to store contraband on your trailer?”—before uploading a selfie taken behind the wheel of a moving vehicle. Provided the applicant isn’t an escaped convict or Mike Krzyzewski, they are automatically cleared to haul 80,000 pounds through sleet-covered mountain passes at night. “We realized that many applicants were being unfairly held back by outdated barriers like knowledge and experience,” said one DOT official, while swiping through approvals on their way to the office.  “This new system prioritizes enthusiasm, desperation, and any desire to avoid meeting in person before committing to ribald acts of self-gratification and interstate commerce. “At press time, state officials confirmed both directions of I-77 were shut down statewide after an operator’s trailer full of uncaged gorillas bound for Asheboro jackknifed into a retaining wall while driving twenty miles per hour over the listed speed limit, just hours after procuring their license.