From: ceo.office@quickbooks-secure8g8y67.com
Sent: Thursday 4/2 8:15am
Happy Friday Eve—CEO here, the big cheese, the man upstairs. Listen now, I gotta small favor to ask of ya. It’s confidential, and it’s urgent. Respond by email only. I’m on my boat deep-sea phishing, so no hablo teléfono. It seems HR needs your SSN to file your monthly bonus check. Be a lamb—click this link and relay those digits to me, M’kay Mary Kay? We’ll get you paid ASAP—thank you for thanking me 😉
From: payroll.team@docusign-payroll-alerts.biz
Sent: Thursday 4/2 3:18pm
Big Dog here. It’s half past quittin’ time, and I need to bark up your tree. That thing from earlier—scrap it. It’s been de-escalated, all ironed out. There’s a new Tang poppin’: the CFO needs you to double-click the attached DocuSign. Seems we can’t get you paid without your Johnnie Hancock. Holla back for yo dolla back!
From: bonus.department@secure-bonusvault.co
Sent: Thursday 4/3 8:08am
Happy Friday—head honcho here. I’ve got news that’ll get you from software to hard drive in just two words: Bonus. Check. Boom-shaka-Lachness-Monster!!! Tell me, how exactly do you spell your mother’s maiden name? The Old Testament wasn’t written in English, so who the hell knows—feel me?
From: it.support@password-reset-dogecoin.ru
Sent: Friday 4/3 2:51pm
It’s me again, your top-floor man. This request needs to be addressed faster than a baked Alaska in the Bahamas. Your password is expiring. The shiz is legizz. You’re probably thinking my domain looks dodgier than Dogecoin, but it’s safer than sheepskin. Speaking of Doge, you got any rattling around your virtual coffee can? My cards aren’t working, and I could use a few Invisibills.
From: urgent.request@moneygram-finalnotice.cn
Sent: Friday 4/3 4:57pm
Listen, no more dickin’ around here, Richie. Remember those pictures—the ones from high school, the ones where you’re doing that thing with that guy? I’m mailing them out like holiday checks if you don’t MoneyGram me $600 before closing time. And I mean pronto, LeBron-to.
From: accounts.receivable@quickbooks-friendlyreminder.com
Sent: Monday 4/6 8:01am
Happy Monday—and sorry for the hostility last week. I just needed someone to talk to, and my cousin (a Prince from Nigeria, of all things) wasn’t available. But listen, if you have a few minutes today to go over these overdue invoices from QuickBooks, they are rather urgent. If not, no biggie. I’ll circle back all day, every day until I fulfill my dream of hijacking your domain and ransoming your whole goddamn company into financial oblivion. Until then, be well!
