Washington DC
In a landmark 9–0 decision certain to redefine broker liability, the Supreme Court ruled Thursday that freight brokers may now be held responsible for famine, war, plague, and most other perils afflicting mankind.
“For decades, brokers have misunderstood the phrase ‘cradle to grave’ as applying only to freight,” wrote Chief Justice Roberts in the Court’s majority opinion. “Today’s opinion corrects that error. Brokers are inherently responsible for the independent actions of all parties. Should a butterfly flap its wings and a truck subsequently careen into a ditch, the broker bears the full weight of restitution.”
Surprisingly, the Court’s liberal wing showed little sympathy for brokers. “The missile fired by a belligerent nation undoubtedly arrived by truck or in a high cube container. The broker arranging that shipment—double-blind or otherwise—should therefore share liability for the resulting war crimes,” wrote Justice Sotomayor, adding that retroactively assigning brokers responsibility for the Dust Bowl remained “an open legal question.”
The case required more than eight years to reach the Court’s hallowed halls, though oral arguments themselves were repeatedly interrupted by observers in the gallery making check calls and loudly haggling over rates. Proceedings were recessed after respondent’s counsel inadvertently kicked over a brimming red Solo cup of tobacco spit. “Oh, for Christ’s sake,” muttered Justice Gorsuch before sacrificing his robe in an unsuccessful attempt to contain the spill. Chief Justice Roberts then reminded those in attendance that tobacco use remained prohibited in all forms except snuff and discreet vaping.
The brokerage industry’s response was immediate. “If the assigned driver is not Jesus—or a similarly named Latino gentleman—the carrier will fail our revised qualification standards,” said one carrier services representative, forced to speak anonymously out of fear of poaching by a competing firm.
Shippers likewise applauded the ruling. “This makes perfect sense to us. We’ve always held brokers responsible for service failures ranging from driver injuries to mechanical breakdowns. Hell, I once blamed a broker for the truck idling too loudly after one of our guys tripped and fell into the smelter. Frankly, I’m relieved the Supreme Court finally caught up with the rest of us,” said Ernie Downside, Director of Procurement for Erected Metals & Screws.
Counsel for the petitioner expressed disappointment that the ruling did not go far enough. “We’d hoped to see brokers held liable for glutton, wrath, and sloth in addition to what the justices found,” counsel said.
At press time, Lloyd’s of London had reportedly offered $8,000 on behalf of its insured clients as full restitution for humanity’s collective suffering.
